In my 3+ years running this website, I've never really written about sex. I haven’t felt the need or desire to. Recently, I was inspired to change that. I don't consider myself to be an expert on the subject, but in my conversations with other men I'm realizing that I'm having some fun and unconventional experiences. The key ingredient in sex for me is often FUN – and that is what I will write about today.
First, a tiny bit of context
Sex in our culture is made out to be a huge thing. It's the holy grail for many men (“if only I could have sex, I'd be happy”) and it is often inextricably linked with porn. And as you may have noticed, people rarely have fun in porn. They just fuck, moan and generally play out roles as each other's sluts. I have become bored with porn and rarely watch it. And on the off-chance that I do, most of it just seems like two disconnected people creating friction with their bodies. It appears to me largely uninspiring.
Yet, the reality is that porn often midwives the birth of sexuality in young boys. They have generally been hypnotized with sexual imagery for many years by the time they have sex for the first time. So of course it's going to feel like a momentous thing! It’s natural that they are excited. But when their image of sex is formed through the lens of a movie camera and porno theatrics, they will feel disconnected from it – trying to live up to a (bad) template of what sex looks like as opposed to connecting intimately and joyfully with a woman.
If only they had an elder tell them about sexuality in a mature way, they could realize it’s not some disconnected porno thing. It’s also, I judge, not this spectacularly important source of self-confidence and fulfillment that many believe. I feel confident in saying that great sex alone will not fulfill anyone. Human beings have done it for millennia. Animals do it. So give sex a break - it's just sex. But it is a very important, joyful, life-affirming ingredient in an integrated, mature life.
Having fun with it 😉
As you probably already noticed, I’m not a fan of seeing sex through the lens of pornography. How boring are these people’s sex talk anyway? “Oooh yeah, fuck me – fuck me with your big cock. Ooooh yeah. You like that? You like that you dirty boy? Oooh. Aaah”. Gawd! No connection at all, no inspiration! These are the words of people trying to be sexy, but without opening their hearts or in any way claiming each other in an intimate way (intimacy is for their partner after they leave work and go home).
Since pornography is about disconnection, objectification and spacing out in erotic fantasies, in my judgment, to truly enjoy sex, we need to leave the template of pornography behind. And when we start leaving that template behind, when we are able to turn off the script that runs in our minds, our deeper desires and intuitions start rising. How would I really enjoy to connect with this woman right now? For me, connecting to that part of myself involves connecting to a very playful, almost childlike part of me. Not sexy to a woman, you may think? You think wrong.
What this playfulness may include for me is, like recently with a lovely woman I’ve been seeing, latex sheets, custard, whipped cream, oils, a cute whip, filling water pistols with wine for mutual enjoyment, balloons (hehe, don’t ask) etc. And then just making art out of it. I’m not going to go into details, but we had so much fun we couldn’t stop laughing, spraying wine into each other’s mouths from across the bed etc.
Would it surprise you that the sex was really enjoyable? Oh, how much more fun and liberating sex is when it’s freed from the influence of pornography! It’s just freeflow in the moment – two people who love and appreciate one another giving way to the moment and absorbing all the pleasure that’s on the plate.
It’s at times like that I feel really grateful that I’m not attached to sex looking a certain way. I definitely don’t stress about making her come. For the most part, I don’t think about that stuff. I just want to enjoy her and connect with her in an embodied way. Turns out women like that too. This woman says she is relieved that I’m not obsessing about making her come. That means she can enjoy herself and not feel forced to live up to any porno fantasies or “goals” in my head. And it also means that she has started having deep orgasms through intercourse for the first time in her life. Strange how that works, isn’t it?
Be irreverent (if you like)!
There really is no need treat sex as some epic event of unending importance. I invite you to be irreverent! Have fun – hedonism is allowed once in a while. Embracing who you are and learning to enjoy that in an uninhibited way sets her free – and the pleasure you are able to experience together will reflect that.
Being irreverent, perhaps even childlike, in bed is so refreshing in a world where most want to play out their porno mentality and/or prove themselves when they're having sex. Trying to prove yourself will probably contribute to your having issues with premature ejaculation and getting hard. And I assure you, good women can spot a man feigning mature masculinity a mile off anyway. They spotted me. They'll spot you. So why bother?
Play at the level you're at. Embrace yourself. Learn to have fun (even coming too early can be fun with the right mindset). And don't turn any of this into rules that you need to live by. Not even the part about not turning it into rules. This is yours to discover for yourself.
Have fun guys.
To your pleasure!
PS! I'd love to hear your experiences with having irreverent fun in bed in the comments below. Some of you are probably masters at it!
PPS! If you want me to write more about sex in the future, please say so below. If you don't, I probably won't.