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Life is challenging right now

posted by Eivind on February 4, 2010, at 11:12 pm

Okay, I’m about to go super vulnerable here. That’s pretty scary, but I’d like to get a couple of things off my heart.

These last weeks after I split up with my girlfriend of several years have been tough. Not only have I been heartbroken, vulnerable and lonely, but I’ve also had my ego put through a meatgrinder. My self image as an excellent communicator has taken several hits, at work as well as with friends and acquaintances. It used to be that when I had done something stupid or made a mistake, I could just love my girlfriend, try my best to serve her, and somehow I was magically cured of my bad state. My serving her served me.

I don’t have that now. And I realize I must develop new techniques for life mastery. I actually thought that I was so on track with my mission in life that I would just magically transition over into working hard on that and that I would somehow be doing just fine. It hasn’t been that easy. Some days, I’m strong and energetic, but often I’m just…well…scared.

I’ve been hurting a lot these last weeks and feel like I’ve let a lot of people down. But I remain strong in the faith that this is just a transition to something far greater. Something is coming through. Time will tell what form it takes.

One of the hardest things, Ihave discovered, is finding the right balance of  intimacy vs separation with my ex. This is very confusing.

If anyone has some input on how to skillfully remain friends with someone who you’ve loved for a long time, please give it below.

Thanks for reading,
Eivind

  • bj0rnborg

    Hang in there buddy!

    Your friends love you and will be there for you. You are never alone, only by choice. When you need them, invite them, and they will be there, no matter what you have, or think you have, done. This I can tell you straight from life experience.

    Sadly I havent had any good experiences with keepin on contact with any of my exes. Not bad blood, it just tends to slip like sands through my fingers as time goes by, and maybe, well probably, its because our mutual importance to eachother fades over time.

    I think my advice would be to try to remember what aspects of her personality that you liked before you became a couple, focus on that and see if that is enough to base a friendship on. Because only memories of love lost is not. :/

    Love and respect from the other side of the border

  • bj0rnborg

    I distinctly remember writing a comment here. Maybe I fouled up somehow.

    But hang in there buddy, separation is always painful, but it also purifying and you always come out a stronger person on the other side.

  • http://www.masculinity-movies.com Eivind

    Yes you did. They were caught by my spam filter for some reason. I replied in a private e-mail, so I won’t bother here.

    Thanks for your support, brother!

    E

  • Patrick

    Hi Eivind,

    Thanks for sharing this with us. I was inspired by your blog about the break-up with your ex. And it’s good to see that you are connecting with other men about it. It helps me to give space so that the pain can fall into that space.

    I have experience with being in contact with my ex. Two of them actually and with one of them I have a son since two days. Let me start with the first one.

    After a relationship of four years I split up with my first long term girlfriend. It was the right thing to do and went really organic. We lived together for about one and a half year when I felt I had to go and get my own place. That was the moment we both knew it was over. We had a great time and both grew. It hurted me when she had a new man in her live instantly. The only thing I could do is let her go. I saw her from time to time since she moved to Venwoude, a spiritual community in Holland, and I was there for a lot of personal development trainings. After a half year that we broke up we met and I said sorry to her for the way I acted in our relationship and I thanked her for all the things I learned being with her. When we meet now it’s great. I love her deeply as a dear friend. How I do that? I guess it helps to act out of love instead of greediness or fear. And it took time to come this far and helped me in dealing with the women I broke up after her.

    My next girlfriend was a bit older than me and a tough women to “catch”. But I did it and she totally opened up with me. Even in the sex she discovered new things. She never had an orgasm while “doing it” so you can imagine what a complement that was for me. But as easy as she opened just as easy she closed big time on me. And I found that really hard to deal with. From the beginning I knew something was not right but I felt that she was the mother of my children and she felt I was the father of her children. We tried to make something of it but after half a year I was so in a twist with her that I had to say “so this is it”. It hurted like hell to let her go but it was the right thing. And even though I had dealt with a breaking up before it was really hard. Probably because our relation was intense and I was intensly in love with her. Still the only thing I could do is let her go. And it went deeper because I was letting go of my mother at the same time. And I can tell you that was necesarry!

    After two months I met up with her and she told me she is pregnant with me. And I knew it. After all I truly felt that she’s the mother of my children…or at least of one. The months after that we’re really hard. Letting her go and building up a connection as parents for our son. She gave me time to deal with my things and told me to enter the relationship of parents when I was ready, even if it meant that would take years. But I didn’t want to wait years. I wanted to be part of my son’s life from the beginning and did all I could to let her go. Almost at the end I could relax more and more around her and she with me. And now our son is born and there’s a new connection. Today she had a break through in giving herself over to my love and careness to her and our son. Wow.

    So Eivind, I don’t know if this helps you in any way. I didn’t know what to write untill my fingers started ticking. I can only say that it helped me to let go of my mother so that I won’t go searching for motherlove with women. I can be on myself and enjoy the company of women. I even have two women in my life with whom I can enjoy the moment as it is. Oh no that’s no true, I have three women in my life with who I have an intimate connection. It’s also intimate to raise a child together. I never imagined that I could be intimate with other women and to be honest it’s really really fresh. All I know is that I want to enjoy the company of women and giving them my love and attention without wanting something back. Curious how this all will be in a couple of months but my main focus now is on my son and my mission which we already mailed about.

    With love,

    Patrick

  • http://www.masculinity-movies.com Eivind

    Hi Patrick,

    I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to get back to you about this message. Maybe the part about letting go of my mother was closer to home than I liked? I’m not sure. Anyway, here I am.

    I think it DOES help in significant ways, Patrick. My ex has an extremely strong nurturing side to her. I remember the first time I really understood she loved me. I collapsed in tears on her chest. And now after the relationship is over, I understand the she did represent a sort of safe harbor for me.

    Not so long ago, I went to see a therapist about some mother issues that surfaced. I think I’m really starting to connect with the parts of myself that have to do with my mother now. I did a workshop series once in which the latter two were devoted to father and mother respectively. It was easy for me to connect to the image and feeling of my father, but when I got to my mother, I couldn’t get a hold of her. I didn’t know what significance she’s had in making me who I am. That freaked me out a little, and I believe this breakup is bringing some of these hidden patterns to light.

    Your post highlighted that. Maybe that’s why I took my time.

    I would love to hear more about how you let go of your mother when you let go of your ex. I asked myself if I have truly let go of my ex earlier today, and I realized I probably have not. I would love to hear more about your experiences here.

    Love to you, brother
    Eivind