The No Woman Diet I undertook a month ago is nearing its completion. It’s been a trip! At times, I’ve felt like steam has been coming out of my ears. Or to use a picture Decker Cunov, co-founder of AMP, likes to use in the weekly teleseminars – I have felt the “snakes coming out of my eyes” (that’s an image from alchemy by the way).
I started out being totally relieved that I could allow myself to disengage from women completely. It was like I was given permission not to stress out about beautiful women in my surroundings. In fact, I was to ignore them completely. Pretty soon, passing a beautiful woman on the street didn’t trigger the hormonal cocktail of tension, longing and desire that I used to subtly feel. What a relief!
Then I started getting angry. I got pissed off that the recycling authorities of Oslo took away the only recycling container for plastic in my neighborhood. These guys are the ones who are supposed to help the environment. Fucking dimwits. I got mad and wrote them an angry e-mail, full of delicious swear words. I also got angry at the guy who smiled at me and wanted money for orphanages and I got mad at the woman who was selling shitty Tupperware at ridiculous prices. $50 for three small pieces of crappy Tupperware? Come on!
Random stuff just irked me big time. Then I got tired. REALLY tired. Like, I sleep more than usual, but I’m still fucking exhausted tired. I have no idea what happened. Was it because of weaned myself from refined sugar? Caffeine perhaps? Or was I simply feeling withdrawal symptoms from looking at beautiful women? I didn’t know. Still don’t. But processes were going on big time. I feel them still.
Then there was the confusion. What is allowed and what is not allowed? Was I too attached to the letter of the Diet and not tuned deeply enough into the spirit of it? Could I even speak to a woman without breaking my commitment? Could it be that my validation seeking behaviour was so insidious that merely opening my mouth in most situations triggered it? It turned out that the answer to that was a painful “Yes!”.
I started withdrawing into myself, conserving my energy, avoiding the hunt for validation altogether. I stopped engaging with random people as I moved about. No idle chit chat. This was edgy for me, because I’ve been a pleaser type. I’ve wanted to make people happy because I’ve been insecure about seeing them mad. This I’ve also understood.
But as time has passed on the Diet, I’ve become increasingly unconcerned with other people’s feelings. Sometimes I feel a bit badass about it. But then I realize it’s not about being badass – it’s about me being authentic. What arrogance to think I could ever be responsible for the emotional life of someone else! My responsibility is to protect my own emotional and psychological boundaries and then from there serve people.
There have been tears. The other day, I actually shed spontaneous tears of sorrow for myself. I have cried lots in my life, but rarely – if ever – for myself. The tears came after I had been smashing up my apartment real good after I tried anger release work for the first time.
Truth be told, there have been all kinds of trippy experiences, many of which I’ve not understood AT ALL.
But things have shifted lately. I’m finding that the anger is closely connected with my newfound ability to set much clearer boundaries. I’ve had no idea how much people have abused my boundaries in the past. In subtle ways – ways they’re not even aware of themselves probably. Women are especially good at this. Manipulating little vixens (I say that with love of course 
. But I will simply not allow people to compromise my boundaries anymore. This makes me feel much more powerful and filled with masculine vital force. And not afraid to be intense and even, if so required, angry.
Last night, I shared an amazingly rich evening with two of my buddies and in the middle of it, I had spontaneous strong emotion rise in me. What I became present to was that I didn’t miss the presence of a woman. Not even my ex. The moment was complete unto itself. Nothing was missing. Just guys, brothers on the path. And it was perfect. That realization really opened up my heart.
There are two weeks to go and I’m not entirely sure what it will be like to get off the Diet. Maybe I won’t get off it! Maybe not yet. Regardless of what I choose to do, I already sense I have reached a much more solid place in myself. I’m not fucking around and I won’t let others fuck around with me either. Not even in the subtle ways that most people take for granted. I have landed in the world and the grounding I have found is pulling people around me into presence as well. It’s edgy shit, but it feels good. And there is healing taking place. Deep and real healing. This is the gift of masculine intensity. This is the gift of masculine love.
I will do another report as the Diet comes to an end. This is important work, guys. Write me if you want to know more about this way of finding freedom.
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