On Wednesday June 16, my six week No Woman Diet came to an end. It’s been a pretty crazy experience for me and I have learned so much about myself in the process. I have written some blog posts about the Diet already and this will be the last one.
One of my memories from early on in the diet isn’t of a woman at all. I was standing on a boat in a cool, but pleasant sunset breeze, leaning against the white metal railing as the city lights approached in the distance. A guy was standing next to me and I had the feeling that he would be a nice bloke to have a casual conversation with. I didn’t open my mouth.
The No Woman Diet turned out to be less about women than it would be about learning about all the artificial ways I use to prop up my ego and self esteem, my drugs of choice being random conversation, meaningless flirting, social media and all sorts of other things. I realized how incredibly draining it was to project my own value into other people’s response to me and was shocked at how ubiquitous that tendency it was in my life. I do after all consider myself a pretty confident guy.
But there it was, my ego craved the validation of being seen by another human being, and I didn’t give it what it wanted. I think this was the first time in the Diet I visualized smoke coming out of my ears – and it was far from the last. I experienced incredible fatigue for a couple of weeks in the middle of the diet, something which seems to have been very closely related to my experience of pulling into my little antisocial cave. However, this case was not a hideout, it was a furnace. It burned through layers of need and in the end – it has burned through to something deeper. A silent place, vibrating with the low hum of some primordial power I imagine I must have had, but that I lost.
I discovered some big anger in me which led me to do anger release work for the first time in my life, probably scaring my neighbors with the hard punching on my walls. (I must find a more isolated place to let loose completely I have understood). And my boundaries have transformed from being flowery meadows for people to wander into to being borders guarded by heavily armed warriors. Some people have had my swords swung at them and funnily enough many have enjoyed the experience. This has told me a lesson or two about the value of authentic expression.
I have also learned to own my dark, animal sexuality. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel shame when I think of looking deeply..deeply into the eyes of a woman and telling her “I feel so fucking turned on by you right now,” while having the strange and paradoxical feeling that I can say that WITHOUT being attached to any sexual outcome with her. I have yet to try it out – the diet just ended and I’m not about to turn into a headless chicken overnight – but I have it within my feeling realms for the first time. And that will soon enough materialize into reality.
Also, I have learned to value the warrior-like consciousness that I have had to foster during this diet. Distraction is starting to not only feel draining, but downright sickening. Too much hedonistic pleasures, I understand, will just kill my enjoyment of life, because they damage my samurai focus and hence reduce my enjoyment and potency in ALL walks of life. This is fucking HUGE.
I will retain many of the disciplines from the Diet in my life even as I transition into a normal lifestyle again. They have been really good for me. The big question now of course is “how about women?”. As I have learned to enjoy to the conservation of my energy that comes from not sperming my energy in the direction of every sexy, flowing and curvaceous little kitten that enters my vision through the course of a day, I have chosen to stay committed to not shooting too much precious energy into the tits and asses that inspire my sexual charge. Through the course of the Diet, I have had one or two opportunities to take it further with women who clearly enjoyed my strong presence, but I obviously didn’t do that. There was my integrity to consider. So if I keep to this practice, intimacy with women will come without my needing to be obsessive about it. I can merely stay open to what life brings to my porch. That seems healthy to me and way more of a mature masculine approach than running around looking for pussy.
I’m curious as to how all of this will play out. Last night, I had a conversation with a cute dancer chick on the way home from hosting Masculinity Movies Live #2. I understood her feet were aching when she took off her high heels and slipped them with delight into her sneakers. Turned out she had been dancing on-stage for hours. I shared the moment with her without further agenda than taking good care of her. I did notice some nervous energy in me simply from talking with a woman again, but mostly, I just sat there and held the space for her while we spoke casually. It was a nice encounter – and it didn’t have to go anywhere at all. And as it so happened, I was more than happy to have us break up without asking for a phone number (although I was pleased to understand that she had enjoyed our time together). What mattered most to me was my authenticity. That is my gift to women, my Brothers, and the world.
It is a liberating new space to be this post-NWD inner landscape. The days and weeks ahead will tell how much has REALLY come of this experience. Right now, I’m still in the process of finding my bearings in my newly gained inner freedom.
Thanks to Bryan Bayer and Decker Cunov of AMP for facilitating such a potent cradle of growth.