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The worrying state of modern boys

posted by Eivind on August 3, 2009, at 10:20 pm

It is with a certain level of sadness, worry and tension that I observe the behaviour of young boys around me where I live. So many appear to have no anchor in themselves. They appear completely at the mercy of peer pressure, playing into what they believe their friends think is cool. What this looks like, when they gather up in groups, is a lot of screaming, hitting each other, telling each other what useless shits they are. With many, there seems to be a competition going in which the winner is the one who can dish out the worst insults.

This dynamic isn't completely unfamiliar to me, as this behaviour was prevalent when I was their age. But it's getting worse. Guys who are supposed to be friends tear each other down, conducting psychological warfare as a way of bonding.

What happened? Why are so many young boys extremely cruel to each other? They seem to be adopting the teenage girl drama and, perhaps to compensate for their resulting feminization, pack it into boastful macho behaviour. I can only imagine how confusing life must be for them.

Did we forget about these boys when we decided on who needed help (generally girls and women)? Have we demonized the male gender so much so that boys now use the heritage of "men are scum"-feminism to make friends? Whatever the reason may be, these boys are lost and stripped of control of their body, speech and mind. I worry about them.

The latest movie I looked at was Buddha's Lost Children and I believe it holds some answers. Abbot Phra Khru Bah teaches us that the key to unlocking boys' potentials is to expect things from them, to treat them with respect, to love them while holding them responsible for their actions, to not shy away from punishing them if they have done wrong. When fathers stop to lovingly punish their sons for fear of abuse or of being reported to the authorities, love has disappeared. They are not taught the laws of karma and are left to fend for themselves, with noone to tell them right or wrong. This is the dramatic result of reframing love the willingness to let others to do themselves whatever they want. For young boys, love without toughness is cruel.

So if you have a boy who shows signs of this behaviour, don't be a soft, anxious sap who lets him get away with it. Treat him like a man. That's what he wants. He wants to feel as if he belongs to a true brotherhood.

For that to happen, however, you have to be a man, which, hopefully, is why you're here.

  • Andrew Botham

    I hear and feel that sense of sorrow Eivind.

    I think the break down of the family unit has alot to do with this. Alot of males in Western families are absent (physically, emotionally or mentally) and there is a distinct lack of positive male role models in our culture. Many of the only role models offered by the media are feminised and/or nililistically self-destructive, which I think is emulated in alot of the behaviour we observe in young boys.

    I’m just embarking on a career as a secondary school teacher of Religious Education in the UK and I’m acutely aware of the challenges the profession faces with regard to our childrens’ moral, emotional and sexual development (RE teachers usually have to teach Sex ED). This kind of growth is simply not acknowledged as a serious aspect of development and is given too little attention by our educational systems, society and the culture at large.

    Thank you for this wonderful site.

  • http://www.masculinity-movies.com Eivind

    Hey Andrew, yeah I can completely relate to the point you make about fathers being absent. I think this is vital. I have really enjoyed Robert Bly’s writing on this. But as you point out, it’s not just the fathers, it’s men in general. I look back to my childhood and I can honestly say I didn’t have a single man to look up to. There were a couple of teachers that were inspiring, but none that served as a template of my potential. You know, I still feel that longing in me, of not having been inspired as a child to be all that I could possibly be, not just academically, but humanly.

    And it is probably worse now than it was when I was little.

    You have quite a task cut out for you here!. I was watching a video on the AMP blog last night where Garrison, the guy on the left, makes the point that the world would be COMPLETELY different if the education system emphasized core human qualities in the curriculum. Learning to communicate, to relate, to focus, to be disciplined, to know inner peace, to share, to love, to laugh.

    WOW, that would be something.

    Glad you like the site. It’s a blast to work on :-)

    Eivind

  • http://www.pellebilling.com Pelle Billing

    Growth structures for boys have been torn down, in the name of making boys more like girls. Not all boys are the same of course, but in general there are more boys who respond to clear structures, healthy competition, and being allowed to use their muscles in a safe setting (sports, wrestling, etc). When schools emphasize group work and communication skills, at the expense of teacher led classes and competitive tests – then boys suffer and girls excel.

    Obviously, we always have to pay attention to the individual. Some boys are introverted and shy, and they need a different approach from extroverted and wild boys – but it’s still very much possible to see group level differences between boys and girls.

    I agree that boys are very confused nowadays. What are they supposed to aim for? What are their role models?

    Great blog post.

  • http://www.masculinity-movies.com Eivind

    You ask good and pertinent questions, Pelle.

    I gotta say, I’ve had some new insights about this topic since last time, that are partly in conflict with what I wrote here. I’m going to look more into it, but just because I wasn’t a wild teenager, doesn’t mean that wildness is bad per se. I think the question is the direction of the wildness. What is the container? That is where facilitators and role models come into the picture.

    I need to look deeper into this.

    The currently featured movie, Buddha’s Lost Children, feels like it has some answers.

    Eivind