It was at the tail end of 2007 that I realized, under a night sky in India, that I was heavily into spiritual bypassing. That’s when my life changed and I resolved to find out what it means to be a man in today’s world. Since then, I’ve been through a lot of trainings in the realm of masculinity. I went through a powerful course series over three long weekends in Norway with two of the Norwegian heavyweights in the field; Dag Furuholmen and Eirik Balavoine in 2008-2009. I did my New Warrior Training Adventure with The Mankind Project back in the summer of 2011 (and participated in a multitude of MKP trainings since). I experienced Noble Man with Celebration of Being that same fall. I’ve done myriad online trainings with Authentic Man Program, such as the powerful No Woman Diet, and I finally experienced The New Tantra in early spring of 2013.
I’ve done most of the things I wanted to do. Only the Authentic Man Program intensive remained on my bucket list for men’s trainings. Frankly, because it’s expensive and because it only happens in the US. Well, it so happens that I temporarily live in the United States and I got a deal on it. And it happened a five minutes stroll away from where I currently live, at the Integral Center in Boulder, Colorado. It was a no-brainer.
Friday and Saturday: Forging brotherhood
Most of the men’s work I’ve done has taken place in men only environments. I love that work; forging brotherhood, learning to trust and recognize the beauty in men, bridging power and vulnerability, coming home in my own sex.
The first two days of the AMP intensive provides more of that. One of the most transformative experiences of going on journeys like these is noticing the ways I judge some men at the start of the journey and then noticing how fundamentally things change as I get to know them and their challenges in life. It is a life-changing experience that you get to pocket and use as reference in your daily life, where you likely, like me, judge people all the time.
Day 1 was, as is to be expected, the “safest” of the three, moving us deeper into brotherhood and contact with our primal masculinity. I will not share details in case you should be tempted to go on this journey yourself.
What I will share, however, is that I realized this weekend how much of a sucker for intensity I have become. There is a Warrior exercise in day #2 of the AMP intensive that just has my heart sing with delight. Without sharing too much, it has a whole room of men tap into their killer instinct, that part of them that would kill in service of someone they love. It’s so fucking awesome.
My whole body tingled with delight in that room. Just writing about it now has me feel intensely alive. I realize at this point in my life that I can’t fully trust a man who is not comfortable with his power, and having a whole room of men move towards that place of trustability, that dark masculine love, is something that lights me up in all kinds of ways.
And that insight gives context to the journey that I was on this weekend, which more than anything was a deep dive into my power and my more primal instincts. In one of my circles on day #2, I started tuning into a fierce anger towards the lead facilitator. I have core issues around feeling like I have to perform to be lovable and it resurfaced in this circle and I went “to hell with it”. So instead of collapsing into that, I let it rip. It was awesome. An intense experience for us all.
While these two first days were evolutionary more than revolutionary for me, given that I’ve done so much men’s work and am familiar with the format, I still felt tapped into a deeper and more primal place in myself as I went to bed Saturday night, anticipating the massive turnaround that Sunday provides.
Sunday: What separates AMP from the rest
I’ve done a lot of men’s work. At some point along that road, I realized I had become more comfortable with men than women. I had become a much more powerful person in the presence of Brothers than in the presence of a woman I desired. I would challenge my Brothers on their bullshit and the places they played it small, but I would still play nice with women.
The work with Celebration of Being went some way in addressing this, but the core issues of attraction and owning sexual desire remained. Not even the work I did with The New Tantra addressed that in the way I needed it to. However powerful it was, the women there were not trained to give skillful feedback regarding the core issues of attraction and how being around me felt in their body, and so the lessons I left with were of a different (yet very powerful) nature.
This is where AMP shines.
Sunday morning, 14 radiant, sexy, badass women walk in. Some of them have done this work for a decade, some are there to learn. Yet they’re all committed to bringing their full selves in service to the men.
The rest of that day is a deep dive with these women, where we get to have realtime feedback on how it feels to be in our presence. This is where AMP shines.
These women, especially the most experienced ones, have learned to dial in to and trust the minute shifts of their body-mind as they are with a man, and have the courage to speak it freely. So instead of the more typical blanket statements of an untrained woman, e.g. “you seem so needy”, “I feel scared” or “I don’t want to be with you”, they can communicate minutiae realtime. Maybe, “I’m not feeling anything. You seem happy with yourself, but I’m not feeling anything at all. Oh, when you moved your chin down just then, I started relaxing more. Oh wow, my pussy is starting to get wet. No, it’s gone again. I feel nothing.” That leads to “WTF!”-moments for most men. And then the Matrix starts unravelling.
Into darkness
I’m on a journey to claim more of my wildness and darkness these days. And the standout moment for me in the weekend was the desire-circle, where one man gets to explore the nature of his desire for almost a full hour with four women and four men present.
I’ve had a somewhat unresolved relationship to my desire. I’ve been afraid of owning it fully. And I’m starting to get why. My desire is quite dark; wild even. It’s not a nice “oh you’re so pretty”-desire. No, if I’m going to own this fully, I’m going to become a man who sometimes says some pretty dark stuff to women. And that, Brother, runs counter to my postmodern nice-guy conditioning.
In this desire-circle, however, I was encouraged to go there. And I did, with some discomfort and a lot of turn-on. Step by step, making sure she was safe and felt seen and respected, I went for that darkness. In the end with my hand around her throat, telling me I could kill her right there, but that I wouldn’t, because I loved being with her.
That’s the kind of stuff people don’t tell you about. It’s not Mama’s dream for her sweet son, it’s not what political campaigning and feminism applaud. Yet this woman responded very strongly and the rest of the women got very excited. Clearly, women want this part of me. And in fact, more men are requesting it as well. So I guess I’m being called to embrace more of this in a loving way. That’s both scary and exciting.
The beautiful thing is that, while there is clearly a power dynamic going on, it feels so vulnerable and naked for me too. Going to that scary place, knowing that love is what takes me there, and not necessarily knowing if she is going to receive me, if she will get that the only danger she is in is of having to let her shields down and accept love into her heart.
It takes a lot of courage and is incredibly vulnerable.
Aftermath
I’ve felt great after the AMP intensive and had some spectacular connections with women. This is part of a larger trajectory in life, but the AMP intensive was instrumental. Clearly, this stuff works. And if you’re wondering if you should get on the bandwagon, my input to you is “it might be expensive, but it’s likely to change your life and bring a whole new freedom in your relationships with women.”
Just have a look at my before and after testimonial:
I’m confident you can tell the difference. And I’m confident you will be able to tell the difference in yourself as well.
Whatever you choose to do, Brother, good luck in creating the kind of authentic, intimate, tender, potent relationships you’re wanting, be it with one or more women.
Warmly,
Eivind