Lars: Well, Bianca can help you. She's got nurse's training. Gus: No she doesn't. That's because she's a plastic...thing. Lars: That's amazing. Did you hear that? Bianca said God made her to help people.
Lars: Well, Bianca can help you. She's got nurse's training. Gus: No she doesn't. That's because she's a plastic...thing. Lars: That's amazing. Did you hear that? Bianca said God made her to help people.
In my 3+ years running this website, I’ve never really written about sex. I haven’t felt the need or desire to. Recently, I was inspired to change that. I don’t consider myself to be an expert on the subject, but in my conversations with other men I’m realizing that I’m having some fun and unconventional experiences. The key ingredient in sex for me is often FUN – and that is what I will write about today.
First, a tiny bit of context
Sex in our culture is made out to be a huge thing. It’s the holy grail for many men (“if only I could have sex, I’d be happy”) and it is often inextricably linked with porn. And as you may have noticed, people rarely have fun in porn. They just fuck, moan and generally play out roles as each other’s sluts. I have become bored with porn and rarely watch it. And on the off-chance that I do, most of it just seems like two disconnected people creating friction with their bodies. It appears to me largely uninspiring.
Yet, the reality is that porn often midwives the birth of sexuality in young boys. They have generally been hypnotized with sexual imagery for many years by the time they have sex for the first time. So of course it’s going to feel like a momentous thing! It’s natural that they are excited. But when their image of sex is formed through the lens of a movie camera and porno theatrics, they will feel disconnected from it – trying to live up to a (bad) template of what sex looks like as opposed to connecting intimately and joyfully with a woman.
If only they had an elder tell them about sexuality in a mature way, they could realize it’s not some disconnected porno thing. It’s also, I judge, not this spectacularly important source of self-confidence and fulfillment that many believe. I feel confident in saying that great sex alone will not fulfill anyone. Human beings have done it for millennia. Animals do it. So give sex a break – it’s just sex. But it is a very important, joyful, life-affirming ingredient in an integrated, mature life.
Having fun with it 😉
As you probably already noticed, I’m not a fan of seeing sex through the lens of pornography. How boring are these people’s sex talk anyway? “Oooh yeah, fuck me – fuck me with your big cock. Ooooh yeah. You like that? You like that you dirty boy? Oooh. Aaah”. Gawd! No connection at all, no inspiration! These are the words of people trying to be sexy, but without opening their hearts or in any way claiming each other in an intimate way (intimacy is for their partner after they leave work and go home).
Since pornography is about disconnection, objectification and spacing out in erotic fantasies, in my judgment, to truly enjoy sex, we need to leave the template of pornography behind. And when we start leaving that template behind, when we are able to turn off the script that runs in our minds, our deeper desires and intuitions start rising. How would I really enjoy to connect with this woman right now? For me, connecting to that part of myself involves connecting to a very playful, almost childlike part of me. Not sexy to a woman, you may think? You think wrong.
What this playfulness may include for me is, like recently with a lovely woman I’ve been seeing, latex sheets, custard, whipped cream, oils, a cute whip, filling water pistols with wine for mutual enjoyment, balloons (hehe, don’t ask) etc. And then just making art out of it. I’m not going to go into details, but we had so much fun we couldn’t stop laughing, spraying wine into each other’s mouths from across the bed etc.
Would it surprise you that the sex was really enjoyable? Oh, how much more fun and liberating sex is when it’s freed from the influence of pornography! It’s just freeflow in the moment – two people who love and appreciate one another giving way to the moment and absorbing all the pleasure that’s on the plate.
It’s at times like that I feel really grateful that I’m not attached to sex looking a certain way. I definitely don’t stress about making her come. For the most part, I don’t think about that stuff. I just want to enjoy her and connect with her in an embodied way. Turns out women like that too. This woman says she is relieved that I’m not obsessing about making her come. That means she can enjoy herself and not feel forced to live up to any porno fantasies or “goals” in my head. And it also means that she has started having deep orgasms through intercourse for the first time in her life. Strange how that works, isn’t it?
Be irreverent (if you like)!
There really is no need treat sex as some epic event of unending importance. I invite you to be irreverent! Have fun – hedonism is allowed once in a while. Embracing who you are and learning to enjoy that in an uninhibited way sets her free – and the pleasure you are able to experience together will reflect that.
Being irreverent, perhaps even childlike, in bed is so refreshing in a world where most want to play out their porno mentality and/or prove themselves when they’re having sex. Trying to prove yourself will probably contribute to your having issues with premature ejaculation and getting hard. And I assure you, good women can spot a man feigning mature masculinity a mile off anyway. They spotted me. They’ll spot you. So why bother?
Play at the level you’re at. Embrace yourself. Learn to have fun (even coming too early can be fun with the right mindset). And don’t turn any of this into rules that you need to live by. Not even the part about not turning it into rules. This is yours to discover for yourself.
Have fun guys. 🙂
To your pleasure! Eivind
PS! I’d love to hear your experiences with having irreverent fun in bed in the comments below. Some of you are probably masters at it!
PPS! If you want me to write more about sex in the future, please say so below. If you don’t, I probably won’t.
Nick Duffell and Robert Fischer, co-facilitators of the upcoming Sex Authenticty and Power symposium (summer 2013) have just released a new version of their webpage. I’m happy to see their new platform and hope to channel some traffic to it, as I think the symposium is a very important and worthwhile event (and I’m going to speak there).
I’m currently enjoying a fun and lively discussion with Nick on the root of men’s work over at their blog – and Nick has shared generously about some of his work – particularly his identity, relationship, alchemy model to personal evolution. Which got me thinking about the presentation I’m going to give there. I recommend you go check it out and join the conversation! That would be really fun. See you there?
I just want to share that I finally recorded the video for the Lover archetype this weekend. I hung out with my friends Peter and Pelle in Holland – and I could only really do this recording with them present (they have supported me in the production of these movies since the start).
It will take some time to edit the videos and make them ready for you, but I wanted to tell you now because I know you have been waiting.
It’s late. 0130. I give myself one hour to get my disjointed thoughts down in the public sphere before I decide it’s a bad idea. Be warned, the following will not be fully processed.
It’s been an inspiring day and my visionary brain circuits have been running so hot, I burned out a bit.
But let’s get started: The background for what I’m about to write is that on July 22 last year, Norway experienced two terrible atrocities on the same day – the bombing of the government’s office complexes and the shooting of 69 youth on an island. The same twisted man committed both acts.
I participated in the now-famous rose march that was put on mere days after the incident. It was an amazing event for me and it sent shivers down my spine. It felt like a truly historic moment. And still, something has bothered me about it all afterwards. I will get to that soon.
The citizens of Oslo opened up to each other in a more significant way than is normal in those few days. And yes – it was a bit different for a while. I remember being with a group of people outside a bar which had just opened. The owner was killed by the Oslo-bomb and we spoke with the bereft and hugged. It was beautiful.
And still – in that sea of people carrying roses, there was a remarkable absence of bonding. The crowd bonded as a whole, but there was no bonding of subgroups within the crowd. It was just one homogenous, well-behaved group of nice, shy people. I observed that crowd carefully, looking for signs that something had changed in us. What I saw was predictable – people were generally keeping to themselves. I addressed some people, but with little success of truly connecting. I say with some conviction that the barrier for an average Norwegian to actually speak to a stranger is enormous. I’m not fully free of that burden myself.
There was a follow-up to this rose march last Thursday in which people gathered in an Oslo square and sang together. They sang a famous and much loved song by a really nice and amiable Norwegian singer-songwriter named Lillebjørn Nilsen. The chorus of said song goes like this (directly translated) “We shall live together, every sister and every brother. Small children of the rainbow, and a fertile earth.” I like that song. It’s cute and has good vibes. And I can perfectly well understand that the international press is pretty struck by the Norwegian people’s reaction.
But this is where it gets charged. I’m not buying it. Not 100%. 77 people were killed that day. And I have not seen one public display of anger. For fuck’s sake – people died. Many people. What kind of people are we if that doesn’t evoke anger in us?
I ask myself in the quiet of my mind – Norway: what is this stuff with the roses and no anger? Is that the way it’s meant to be? Are we all supposed to be so fucking well-behaved about it? No! I judge that the anger-reflex has been so carefully extracted from us by the Norwegian educational system and socialization process that expressing public anger is tantamount to madness. Yeah sure, I see people writing online that he is the devil and that he needs to be killed etc. But I have not yet witnessed any displays of truly visceral anger. Anger that really means something – that is more than just angry words. Anger that arises from the authentic parts of us, the kind of anger which – when burned through – reveals the tender grief and psychological wisdom of an emotionally healthy person.
Hang on – there was one girl outside of the Oslo cathedral. I remember her. She was hunched over the fence surrounding the sea of roses, her friends giving her support from behind. She was crying. They were no normal tears. They were primal tears. The kind of tears that come mixed with pain so severe and a sense of anger and WHY? that they sear a human heart which hears and sees them. She was angry. I choke up just remembering her. Bless her for daring.
When asked about these rose marches and public events, the terrorist exclaimed “typical Norwegian. They’re not allowed to be angry”. And I think he is right.
I think there is a collective shadow at play here. I think it is distinctly Christian, distinctly Norwegian. The Jesus that formed Norway is a turn the other cheek, androgynous, amiable and non-threatening kind of fellow. This Jesus wouldn’t be angry. That’s not the Jesus of Norway. It doesn’t matter whether a man is Christian or atheist – he’s born into the same “Jesus-nice” as the next guy.
This day led me into Norse mythology. Norway has this enormously rich mythological underpinning to our culture that has been discarded on the junkyard of history. These rich stories are now seen as little more than cute peculiarities. So in the absence of our mythology, we have nice Jesus and consumerism. BUT – we lack the emotional nuance and richness of soul that is present in a pantheon. The very purpose of mythology is to provide human beings with mirrors. Mythology reflects universal truths about our nature and we find ourselves united by those myths. It is the purpose of them. And they also open in a man the richness of emotion that gives him the space to be truly powerful.
The very reason crazy neo-Nazis and Satanists are so drawn to the Norse pantheon, I believe, is that they have become enormously cynical in the face of the modern straight-jacket of “nice”. In the absence of truly powerful men who see them and their capacity for destruction, but also for true good and authentic service, they start getting tarnished at the seams.
The argument I’m starting to build with this ramble is that this entire July 22 affair is laying painfully bare for any with eyes to see the nature of the Norwegian shadow. When a man – a people – is forced to be nice and have only nice Jesus and Calvin Klein to mirror their human experience, they become limited human beings. We live only on the light side over here. We cling to our naïveté like a child clings to his parent. For what if the world was actually dangerous? What if there were people out there who were authentically evil? We can’t have that! For if that were true, that would have implications for us. We would inevitably be forced to face our own capacity for destruction and evil. Displays of anger – such that would only be natural and healthy given the situation – would put us into too close proximity with these very realities we are desperate to avoid.
Rose marches are beautiful. Yes, they are. I’d be the first to agree. But given that our human experience as Norwegians is so limited by our religious and cultural background, I don’t believe it’s ultimately what is truly healing. I think what this country really needs is an arena where people are allowed to be viscerally angry, to come face to face with the parts of ourselves which are indeed capable of murder and evil (which cases like the Stanford experiment more than indicate we all have in us).
I’m not calling for a lynch mob or public violence. What I’m calling for is embracing the totality of the human psyche, to embrace the essence and richness of the mythology which Christianity conveniently assimilated in its efforts to domesticate the men of the kingdom. For only than can we, I believe, find it in ourselves to deal with what has happened in a way which will give us the golden nugget of learning that is hidden in this mound of shit. And then, we can be better armed to prevent it from happening again.
Real love does not exist in a man who is not powerful, carry he roses or not.
I hope something of this made sense. It’s 02:30 and I need my bed. Rest assured – these thoughts will return in more coherent forms later. And I will allo
Register below and I’ll send you this *powerful* and much loved introduction to the masculine Archetypes (complete with exercises). I think you'll love it! – Eivind
We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.Ok
