Lars: Well, Bianca can help you. She's got nurse's training. Gus: No she doesn't. That's because she's a plastic...thing. Lars: That's amazing. Did you hear that? Bianca said God made her to help people.
Ultimately there’s only one thing that defines a man’s trustability: the depth of his consciousness. This concept has become a lot clearer to me lately because of my challenge in dealing with men who are sleepwalking through life. I have no problem dealing with it when the man whose presence is fading is clearly working on improving his consciousness. That means he is open to being called on it. Even better (for me), he is capable of calling me on it when I’m the one fading out, which happens frequently.
But then there is the guy who is living unconsciously and who is showing no signs of wanting to do anything about it. He can even be conscious of his unconsciousness and base a lot of his identity on it, almost to the point of being a little proud of being a dumbass. This guy can really throw me off my center. He makes me tense up and get heady. Not so much in normal interaction, but when I have needs whose fulfillment require his consciousness.
This man seems to be the norm in today’s world. He runs countries, organizations, corporations. He is also a father of boys in need of initiation into manhood. It’s not that he is totally inept, it’s just that he is not in the driver’s seat of his own life. His every decision has elements of randomness, absent-mindedness and a longing for comfort and safety to it. And since he has not made a decision to do anything about it, he is by default feeding his superficiality. He does this through such things as negative self talk, self-trivialization, saying such things as “you know, I’m really not that smart, so don’t listen to me, but..”, and never doing anything to change the things that make him unhappy.
I’m very frustrated these days because I have no satisfying way to deal with this kind of man. I become inauthentic. What I really want to communicate to them (which is pretty close to “as long as you are committed to unconsciousness, I cannot trust any part of you”) feels way too much, like I don’t dare to say it. Instead I short circuit in my own inner confusion. I feel that I’m out of integrity with myself in the absence of good ways of maintaining my consciousness while talking with this man. I’m not conscious enough to go unaffected by his unconsciousness.
What I do know, however, is that in meeting men who are conscious – and working to become more so – something in me relaxes and a deeper part of myself becomes accessible. I feel like I am home. Such men are a huge gift in my life. I would be insiginificant without them. This is something I’m really present to lately, after having spent a weekend in Malmö with two guys – Pelle Billing and Peter Kessels – who are really in life to participate. What a gift masculine consciousness is to me is a man. What an inspiration! What a relief…
I remember hearing a clever man say once that you have to be the gatekeeper of your own masculine consciousness. Meaning if I’m somewhere that makes me more unconscious, then I must remove myself from that place. I’m not really living up to that advice yet – I cannot see how – but as I’m pushing ever closer to my edge, something seems to be happening.
Soon I hope I can deal with masculine unconsciousness without losing my own consciousness. That will be a milestone in my own development. It will open a whole range of new possibilites.
Does any of you have any reflections on how to deal with this issue?
I just had a very unconscious meeting with my ex-girlfriend, which inspired me to write this blog. It’s always lovely to see her, but earlier today, I had decided that this was going to be an important evening of work at home. I was looking forward to it. In fact, I was excited that my work seemed to be calling out to me so temptingly. Happy that I felt inspired about the stuff I’m doing. When she invited me out, I defaulted to “that sounds nice”, ignoring my subtle feeling of being out of alignment with myself.
After having spent some time with her, totally unable to serve her with my presence, I was called to reflect on integrity. The most basic level of integrity is being true to your word. It’s the integrity of Deida’s 1st stage of masculinity. This integrity is central to the masculine. Interestingly, since stage 2 men are less masculine than stage 1 men, they tend to be less true to their word. It’s an odd paradox of evolution that becoming more conscious means you are becoming less true to your word. But as you know if you have seen the madman in”No Country for Old Men” by the Coen Brothers, you know that if saying “I’m going to kill you” binds you to become a murderer, integrity to your word is not necessarily a good thing.
So we understand there is a deeper level of integrity. This deeper level of integrity is acting in alignment with your core values, and with your own inner knowing. The call to act in accordance with this deeper level of integrity exists inside any man, although the fewest know it. Only the more evolved men are conscious of this. What happened to me today was that I overruled my own inner knowing of what I was meant to do with my time and I became conscious in the process. I was out of integrity with myself. Whenever any man with a masculine essence is out of integrity with himself, he goes unconscious. And he hates being unconscious.
The majority of men are out of integrity with themselves at least 90% of the time. This is why they are unconscious and depressed. This level of integrity that we are talking about here is an absolute prerequisite to consciousness and happiness for any man. We must understand that most of the maneuvering we do in our life, whether it is buying fancy stuff, meditate, have sex, whatever, we do because we are on a downward spiral due to constantly being out of integrity with ourselves. The mystery of inner evolution is that as we become more conscious, we understand that the deep values and convictions that our new level of consciousness uncovers have really always been there. We understand that our lack of satisfaction in life came precisely because we always did other than what we really desired in our deepest self. We understand then how we have spent most of our life sabotaging ourselves, simply because we never bothered to look for what was important to us.
Any man should meditate or do other types of practices to train his consciousness. It will help him spot integrity glitches more easily. But understand that no amount of formal practice in and of itself will cure you of your unconsciousness if you, in the informal paths of life, keep going against your deepest integrity. If that’s all you do, you will do all these practice for naught because you will always fuck it up the minute you enter the marketplace. Your lack of integrity will keep pulling you back to where you started, effectively ending any hope of progress in life.
The conclusion is that following your deepest integrity is the Holy Grail of manhood. It is what it is all about. Every time you are unhappy or unconscious in that nasty, inauthentic way, it is precisely because you are out of integrity with yourself. Not just in word, but in the core of your being. So get to know what you are all about, and then the issue of staying in integrity becomes a little easier. Even if it means saying no to having coffee with a woman you love.
PS! Check out the guys at the Authentic Man Program for some great stuff on integrity. They teach that Presence and Appreciation are the building blocks that precede Integrity.
I’ve watched a fair share of porn in my life. I’ve even been a member of a couple of porn sites in the past. But as I’ve matured, I’ve come to realize that men’s relationship with porn is fraught with problems and pitfalls. I have nothing against porn. I still watch it from time to time, although none of that weird shit that is popping up more and more out there.
The main problem with porn is that I’ve found that it, for the most part, hurts my sex life. The problem is that it externalizes sex. It becomes this thing “out there”. An impersonal thing which you observe from a safe distance. There is no love there, no connection. There is just wham, bam, thank you m’am. And the goal is always ejaculation.
I’m training myself these days to become a multi-orgasmic man and in this period, I’ve consumed porn only once. That one time severely damaged my consciousness, however, and much progress vanished in one fell swoop. A man who is overstimulated by what he sees and who sees ejaculation as the goal, will be sexually limited. So I have committed to not watching any more porn as long as I’m so vulnerable to its damage.
I include a link to a good documentary about the porn industry and how much men and society are hurting through overconsumption of it. It’s in English, though, so you can watch it too. It uses Silverlight technology, so you may be better off with using Internet Explorer.
Okay, I’m about to go super vulnerable here. That’s pretty scary, but I’d like to get a couple of things off my heart.
These last weeks after I split up with my girlfriend of several years have been tough. Not only have I been heartbroken, vulnerable and lonely, but I’ve also had my ego put through a meatgrinder. My self image as an excellent communicator has taken several hits, at work as well as with friends and acquaintances. It used to be that when I had done something stupid or made a mistake, I could just love my girlfriend, try my best to serve her, and somehow I was magically cured of my bad state. My serving her served me.
I don’t have that now. And I realize I must develop new techniques for life mastery. I actually thought that I was so on track with my mission in life that I would just magically transition over into working hard on that and that I would somehow be doing just fine. It hasn’t been that easy. Some days, I’m strong and energetic, but often I’m just…well…scared.
I’ve been hurting a lot these last weeks and feel like I’ve let a lot of people down. But I remain strong in the faith that this is just a transition to something far greater. Something is coming through. Time will tell what form it takes.
One of the hardest things, Ihave discovered, is finding the right balance of intimacy vs separation with my ex. This is very confusing.
If anyone has some input on how to skillfully remain friends with someone who you’ve loved for a long time, please give it below.
This week they talk about why New Year’s resolutions are like Vegas marriages. Good thing to contemplate in these days when so many of you probably have a lot of your personal integrity hinging on keeping them (making promises to yourself that you don’t keep is the surest way to losing your personal power and vitality. Heck, it can even destroy your sex life).
They are also talking about choice architecture; how you can set up your environment to work with you, not against you. For me, that means not using my iPhone as an alarm clock. Leaving it on the nightstand means I end the day reading e-mails and checking the web and I start the day in the same way. And when I do that, I’m off on a tangent already. Not good for my focus. That’s why I got myself a good old-fashioned alarm clock at a Brookstone store at Portland International airport in October. The concept is that even when you are unconscious, your environment should facilitate your movement towards success.
There’s also some great stuff about why perfectionism is such a lousy thing (my motto is “progress is good enough”), how you should set up a punitive nudge system with a partner to force yourself to follow through (I’ve done this for several years, and believe me – it works big time!), why hope is the raw material of losers (unless you’re Barack Obama), and a fun story about why house flies in a urinal at an airport reduced urine spilling by 80%.
Listening to Tripp Lanier’s latest New Man Podcast, I was reminded of some very important principles of male growth. In it, energy healer Sarah Ingier talks about how men are submerged in the Feminine, being both born from and surrounded by it at all times of the day (in the form of nature, women and everything that is in motion). She then describes something that is at the core of my own work: How it is important with some very strong rituals – initiations – in which the man separates from the Feminine and becomes a true Man, a person who can relate with the Feminine not from a state of reaction or enslavement, but of standing free in intimate communion with it.
The macho jerk and the new age wimp that David Deida talks about are both under the control of feminine energy. Only the truly mature man, a 3rd stage man, has freed himself from it. This is the hero’s journey in KWML. Yes, true initiation into manhood IS the hero’s journey.
They talk about more topics in the podcast, but their discussion of what I outlined above is the best part of it. If it’s not enough that I’m saying these things, then please – for your own good – listen to Sarah and Tripp say them.
I have been with my girlfriend for almost three years now. It’s been an extraordinary time. The opportunities to practice love that have arisen in myriad forms along the way have made me a stronger, more committed and more open-hearted man. Before I met Cathrine, I had very little experience with intimate relationship. I was a serious spiritual practitioner, meditating for 1-2 hours every day for many years, but relationships were a whole other ballgame. An experience in Boudhgaya, India at the end of 2006 changed my life. I transitioned then into a time of study the arts of women, love, and relationships. The relationship was the culmination of that work.
I have come to know Cathrine as a healer. Not in the sense that she has warm hands and reads auras – although she *has* warm hands and *can* read auras – but in the sense that I have known deep healing in our relationship together. In serving and being served by Cathrine, I have experienced a kind of inner revolution. In truth, if it weren’t for the dynamic nature of our relationship, the profound love we have shared, and the challenges that her shifting forms of feminine embrace and resistance brought into my life, I would not be half the man I am now. I have learned to love no matter what (well, almost). Most of the time, she has made it very easy for me. Sometimes, she has made it incredibly hard. But I would have it no other way. It has been her gift to me.
The two of us both know that many have expected us to marry and have children. Many of those of you who know us personally have WANTED us to marry and have children. There are many good reasons for that. We have been a great couple. We have shared extraordinary love. And spending the rest of my life with her would be a pretty good way to live. But there is an even deeper recognition – the purpose of my life needs my attention. The work I’m doing is starting to take off. And starting a family now would force me to call off those plans – or at least put them on hold.
My relationship has been in service of my life’s purpose. I would even say that it has *defined* my life’s purpose. But with the dream of children – and the recognition that it is too early for me – we have sensed a shift for a long time now. In fact, we sensed it from the very beginning of our relationship. But our love caused us to ignore that and to plunge into a relationship nevertheless. For as long as I live, there will never be a thought of regret in my mind for that. It is, perhaps, the best choice I ever made. And in many ways, I know she feels the same. But children for me are some years into the future – when the pursuit of my life’s purpose has come into full bloom and I feel that my calling to serve the world in the way closest to my heart has been realized.
I have cried in her arms. She has cried in mine. Sometimes I think we’re crazy. But I believe we are doing the right thing. I don’t expect all of you will understand. For I can in truth say that I don’t always understand myself. But I have learned something about love lately. It has its own intelligence. And it speaks with a silent whisper. And it walks hand in hand with truth. Love seeks truth just as truth seeks love – and together they have decided to take the wheel. So you see – it is, in a sense, not up to us. We merely obey the silent whisper.
I have never known love like I have over these almost three years. And I have never felt stronger. And now it is with sadness, grief, but most of all deep joy, love, appreciation, and gratitude that I give her back to the world. Thanks to those of you out there who have been part of this journey. And to those whose hearts will be broken by this news, I am sorry. Know that we have reached this decision together. Noone has been dumped and there is not a hint of anger or bitterness. I will forever love her. And now, I am moving on. Up ahead, there is a woman waiting for me. And there’s a man waiting for Cathrine. And they will get to know a one whose heart has deep imprints of another. And if they are to so much as qualify – they must understand that this is a good thing. It is our gift to them.
One of the things that we are not focusing nearly enough energy on in our struggle as a gender to reclaim our true and authentic masculinity is how our modern diet is filling our bodies with hormones – feminine hormones to be exact. Men are actually being chemically castrated by staple foods and drinks such as soy and beer.
I think this interview Daniel Vitalis on testosterone, fertility and estrogen is worth listening to. Among other things, Daniel will tell you that beer feminizes you, reduces your libido and makes you impotent. So much for beer being masculine. No wonder I hardly ever drink it.
If you take your masculine development at all seriously, you probably already know David Deida. What you may not know though is that a workshop he did in Australia at the beginning of the decade has just been made available on YouTube. I’m not quite sure if the people who published it are violating any copyrights, so watch it while it’s still up.
Just check this one clip out.
Find all twelve parts of this amazing film production on Youtube.
The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood, is a collection of first-person stories that comprise a book and documentary about what it means to be a man in America today. From Pulitzer winners to ex-cons, and pro Football Hall of Famers to just regular Joes, men share their defining challenges, losses and triumphs through honest and simple truths.
“The hope is that these stories will help men come to their own definition on what it means to be a good man,” says Tom Matlack, Good Men Project cofounder. “It’s about the deeper truth of how men think.”
The book and DVD of the film are available as a companion set, and all proceeds go to the Good Men Foundation, which supports organizations that help at-risk boys. It’s a perfect gift for the men in your life or the women who love them. Be a part of something – join what is fast becoming the centerpiece of a national discussion about what manhood means today.
Learning about this just made my day a little richer and I’m going to order the DVD asap. So should you.
Ashes and Snow is an extraordinary exhibition I have recently been made aware of that has been migrating from continent to continent since 2002. It is an exhibition that documents one man’s enduring observation of nature, the gorgeous and enigmatic animals that fill it, and the interaction those specimens of unimaginable creativity have with our own race, humanity.
Watch this and read on below
Did you enjoy that? I hope so. Any reactions you may have had are fertile soil for examining further your inner archetypes of the mature Masculine (read about King, Warrior, Magician, Lover).
Here are the archetypes and the emotional landscapes that might be triggered in them from a movie such as this. Do any of them apply?
King
You marvel at the beauty of the world. You feel compassion for all who dwell in it, and wish that they find happiness and peace. You care for them almost as were they your children, such is your vast investment in their good fortune. You feel as nature is an extension of yourself. She is your Queen. You are wed to Her. And like any good husband, you wish to care for Her. And for those who may wish to hurt Her, you wish nothing more than their release from fear and suffering. Yours is the empowerment of a royal lineage of guardians (the kings who came before you), and if pressed, you are willing to channel that lineage and gather your army in order to preserve your kingdom, the lands with whom you are wed.
Warrior
You understand the beauty of the world and the value it presents. With the conviction and confidence that comes only from clear perception, anger rises in your heart towards those people of petty and selfish intent who are willing to abuse that which you have been charged with protecting, only to achieve stupid, selfish and ultimately unfulfilling ends. You wish to eradicate such people from the face of the planet and you are willing to take them on one by one until they have all surrendered their fears to the superior force of your flaming sword of truth. There burns a fire in your belly and it feeds a sacred anger, untainted by ego and selfish concerns. You are ready to serve the higher purpose that has been entrusted you with any honorable means possible. Woe be the one who would oppose you, for yours is power, freedom, and justice – and the protective hand of your king.
Magician
The signs are clear. There is a purpose behind everything. You see the plan of the Master Architect and read it with such lucidity that one could be forgiven for thinking they were your own. You see the map and you are capable of its navigation. You are already hard at work manifesting in the world the children of your mind, those projects of creative brilliance whose realization brings hope to a world in crisis. Yours is the responsibility to realize the plans of the Master Architect, whatever he/she/it may be. You are the knower of secrets, the channel of sacred knowledge. You find yourself transported by these images of endless mystery to a cosmic place, far away from here. In a void of unknowing that is pregnant with creative potential, you are home.
Lover
Tears fill your eyes. Your heart is rendered open and beauty flows into it. You want to merge with this beauty. You do – you are One. Hurting the planet is hurting yourself. How can they not see? How can they not feel what you feel? A song forms on your tongue and a desire, deep and mysterious, rises for the company of souls with ears to hear it. How you wish they would come closer! Theirs is love, if only they would surrender into your open, loving embrace. My Beloveds, two-legged, four-legged, six-legged, eight-legged – come into my arms.
These are mature responses to what you have just witnessed, responses from the mature Masculine. Immature responses are feeling nothing, laughing or mocking. Did you feel nothing? Perhaps you are tired, cut off from your body and emotions? Cut off from your inner power? Perhaps you can come back later. Or maybe it will take some years of hard work. But consider if not the ability to actually care about the planet, and those lifeforms that walk its surface, is something worth aspiring for. The beauty here is so bright, blinding almost. Do not close your eyes only to succumb to the temptations of the shepherds of misery.
Artist Gregory Colbert has given you an invitation. Not for mere observation, but for active participation. Will you take it? If so, examine if you are living a life based on the emotional landscape that were just opened within you. Are you playing it safe? Or are you reaching your potential? Honor your archetypes. Take the invitation.
Sean Stephenson is a name that seems to be popping up more and more on the many mailing lists that I subscribe to. He is an inspirational force of personal development, a towering figure…at only three feet.
You may already have heard of him, but since he is asking for help in telling the world about his new TV show Three Foot Giant (he thinks he can really get through to a lot of people who are shortchanging themselves in life), I thought I’d grant his wish. He is definitely worth your time.
So, the TV Show, again, is Three Foot Giant, and below is the trailer.
I just purchased the course “Passionate Lover, Passionate Life” from Alex Allman. Looking at his webpage now, it seems to be sold out, but I still think it’s worth telling you about this guy. It’s rare that I hands down intuitively trust a man, but I trust Alex and I think his message is incredibly powerful.
I’m sure the course will be relaunched soon, but in the meantime, check out these videos from youtube. I really enjoy the way he exposes the immaturity prevalent in the pick up movement. This is something I’ve been thinking for a long time (in fact, my take is that most pick up artists are processing some serious mommy & daddy issues), and it is timely to see another deep and powerful guy state the same thing.
Check it out. About 45 minutes total. Totally worth it!
Note: For the one who is in a hurry, start with video #3 (and skip all the addressing of the pickup community)
For those of you who are paying attention, Robert Bly is one of my main sources of inspiration. You NEED to check out this video if you are serious about your growth as a man.
Over the last year or so, I have been writing several movie reviews where I have emphasized the importance of initiation. I think the lack of initiatory rites for men in our culture is the main reason why so many men have problems finding their place in life and living from a place of authenticity and power.
In one week only, I travel to Oregon to meet my personal mentor for the first timel. It has been quite a journey even getting to this point, and I look forward to it with. At the same time, I feel like I’m jumping into a huge unknown where anything can happen. Of course it is a little scary.
This event is huge and marks a milestone in my life. It’s also something I’ve had to do to stay in integrity with all my proselytizing on this site about the importance of said rites. Integrity is getting to be incredibly important in my life. So I just want to thank you all for holding me accountable. I will get back to you when I return to Norway on October 12.
In my latest blog post, I expressed concern that many young boys these days are relating with each other in extremely aggressive and often destructive ways. I have observed their antisocial behaviour on public transport and in open public spaces. Of course, upon throwing my concern out there, I was given ample opportunity for deeper reflection – that is the benefit of publicizing an opinion. I realize now that it is a complicated issue and that the aggression itself is not necessarily a problem, precisely because this red expression of dominance-behaviour is an integral part to masculine evolution.
It was thanks to Robert Bly (as it often is these days) that I gleaned some insights into the many facets of this issue. He speaks in his stunning book Iron John about three knights of three different colours.He presents these knights as a metaphor for masculine evolution, wherein the red signifies the most primitive step – power, aggression, ego, dominance. The red knight then moves on to the white knight, who is a do-gooder, a man who desires to banish evil from the lands. But then he makes the observation that our culture has no tolerance for the red knights, preferring to chuck them into prisons or institutions. Accordingly, young boys are prematurely rushed into the white knight stage (and they never reach black because it requires access to red). The result is cowards who are internally arrogant, judgmental and passive aggressive. Men who consider themselves noble and forces of good, but who don’t act on it, preferring instead comfort and security.
This is what made me realize the error of my ways, or at least the inaccuracies of them. In myself, I feel the distinct absence of a fully integrated red knight. And I see it in practically all men I meet. What these boys are acting out, then, is a force that I am not used to seeing, and that I am not used to channeling. Little wonder I felt the tension.
Now, I have been aware of my challenge in this regard for some time, which is why I have picked up martial arts, why I’m more willing to confront people, why I will stand up for what is right and why I am becoming edgier in my style of communication. Still, the red knight is but a shadow of what he could be.
The tragedy here, then, is not so much that these boys are being evil with each other. The true tragedy, rather, is that there are no men around them who are comfortable with their level of aggression, and who can comfortably and with authority help them work through the red energy skilfully. Many cultures, Robert Bly points out, have a deep understanding of this red phase of our personal evolution as men, but Western culture has none.
So we suffer.
I have written an article about this issue that I believe is potentially life-changing, and I invite you to sign up for my newsletter, as that is the only way you can get it (it comes as a thank you gift for your interest).
It is with a certain level of sadness, worry and tension that I observe the behaviour of young boys around me where I live. So many appear to have no anchor in themselves. They appear completely at the mercy of peer pressure, playing into what they believe their friends think is cool. What this looks like, when they gather up in groups, is a lot of screaming, hitting each other, telling each other what useless shits they are. With many, there seems to be a competition going in which the winner is the one who can dish out the worst insults.
This dynamic isn’t completely unfamiliar to me, as this behaviour was prevalent when I was their age. But it’s getting worse. Guys who are supposed to be friends tear each other down, conducting psychological warfare as a way of bonding.
What happened? Why are so many young boys extremely cruel to each other? They seem to be adopting the teenage girl drama and, perhaps to compensate for their resulting feminization, pack it into boastful macho behaviour. I can only imagine how confusing life must be for them.
Did we forget about these boys when we decided on who needed help (generally girls and women)? Have we demonized the male gender so much so that boys now use the heritage of “men are scum”-feminism to make friends? Whatever the reason may be, these boys are lost and stripped of control of their body, speech and mind. I worry about them.
The latest movie I looked at was Buddha’s Lost Children and I believe it holds some answers. Abbot Phra Khru Bah teaches us that the key to unlocking boys’ potentials is to expect things from them, to treat them with respect, to love them while holding them responsible for their actions, to not shy away from punishing them if they have done wrong. When fathers stop to lovingly punish their sons for fear of abuse or of being reported to the authorities, love has disappeared. They are not taught the laws of karma and are left to fend for themselves, with noone to tell them right or wrong. This is the dramatic result of reframing love the willingness to let others to do themselves whatever they want. For young boys, love without toughness is cruel.
So if you have a boy who shows signs of this behaviour, don’t be a soft, anxious sap who lets him get away with it. Treat him like a man. That’s what he wants. He wants to feel as if he belongs to a true brotherhood.
For that to happen, however, you have to be a man, which, hopefully, is why you’re here.
The iPhone, a handy tool or the source of untold misery?
When my friend Staale Nataas pointed out that fitness guru Shawn Phillips had outlined what he thought the main differences between boys and men are, I took them straight to heart. I think it is an extremely accurate and brilliant list.
The first of the points on that list is that while men relate to technology as tools, boys relate to them as gadgets. My iPhone has made me realize how much I still relate to cool technology, at least much of it, as gadgetry. Just earlier today, I found myself downstairs in the basement about to put on my washing, and then realized I had brought my iPhone with me for no reason whatsoever. I was absolutely horrified!
It’s just a damned phone with some extras on it, yet much of my time is spent with it, looking for it, making sure I have it with me etc. It has become my main source of distraction. When I use it as a boy, my vitality drops, my integrity dissipates, life force literally leaves my body, and I soon become really unhappy. So why do I do it? Because there’s the promise of a short hit of instant gratification, finding that someone has written me with a satisfying e-mail or something cool has happened in the world. The addiction to sensory stimulation. But when I manage to switch my focus to using it as a tool, it becomes the source of vitality, integrity, and life force.
Could it be that our addiction to gadgets are holding as back in the realm of boyhood? Could it be that all those suits out there running around with their Blackberries are not at all that in a hurry to “stay abreast of things”, that they’re just trying to stay distracted from life and the deeper truths within? Could it be that capitalism by its very nature, and our suckering up to it, holds an entire generation of men back from realizing their potential? I don’t know, but it sure doesn’t look like I’m the only one with an unhealthy relationship to the technological marvels in my life.
It’s the classic question, do we control technology or does technology control us? I personally think that it takes a pretty mature man to not be controlled by it. Which is why it is so essential to take breaks from it all and discover the deeper current within.
Anyway, what do you think – are gadgets a man’s worst friend?
I’m currently on holiday in the North of Norway, staying in the childhood home of my girlfriend’s mother. We drove from the Norwegian capital Oslo up along the spine of Norway to the glorious Vesterålen, where I’m currently surrounded with nature’s splendour. Spending extended time with her like this, driving for days and now spending time here where the sun never sets, brings on a wide array of opportunities for feeling into and reflecting on the dynamics between man and woman, Masculine and Feminine.
As is the case with many of my friends, I’m in a relationship where she has a driver’s license and I don’t. This is a natural consequence of the gender roles that are so idealized on the leading edge of Western culture: The independence and direction of women, and the softening, increased flow and emotionality of men. Since much of my life’s focus is about creating the best intimate relationship I possibly can, this situation of her driving the car and me sitting idly by has many inherent lessons in it, as the dynamics of Masculine and Feminine are such a huge part of these efforts.
As it is the function of the Masculine – among many other things – to establish the direction where the relationship is going, it becomes subtly depolarizing to have the woman drive the car with the man as passenger. Don’t take my word for it, feel into it yourself by riding with your lady (for days). It can de-juice the relationship. There is the ever so slight sense that the man is dependent on his woman to get anywhere, which is a feeling that many people like when it’s epitomized in the concept of girl power, but that few like in actual real life terms. It’s a challenging place to be when trying to build the sort of relationship that David Deida describes as third stage.
Now, through the way my life is developing, and through my increased sensitivity to the movement of sexual energy (the energy of Masculine and Feminine), I’ve come to the realization that I must get a driver’s license. I understand I cannot make things happen to the same degree that I need to by relying only on public transport (my time is becoming increasingly valuable and scarce). But things being as they are right now, I must find creative ways to polarize her into her Feminine and myself into my Masculine, while in the passenger seat. Some of the things that become vital, I have found, are keeping track of petrol usage and spendage, establishing distance goals as well as the legs of the journey, knowing always where we are etc. If we get to an intersection where it is not entirely clear where we must go, I must be on the ball straight away. When I fail to do these things, she becomes the vehicle of my life in ways that are unhealthy for our relationship. Symbolically she brings me through one decision after another. Eventually, such dynamics evolve into a woman mothering her man in ways that make both puke.
The degree to which I’ve been successful at maintaining polarity between us comes clear when we step out of the car. The first night, we set up a tent in the rain, and she was so strong in her directional energy that she wouldn’t let me take care of it. Consequently, we were fighting over the right to being in authority in the situation, and I got a little pissed, thinking briefly “fuck it, if you don’t need me, here you are – do it yourself” (we got it up in the end, and I recovered from being annoyed quickly).
It’s something I see often in people around me: The woman has become so independent and capable that she doesn’t really need the man anymore. To put it crudely, he becomes to her a provider of sexual services, financial collaboration, and quite pleasant but safe companionship, and he becomes bitter, hurt, impotent, withdrawn. A lot of energy is put into putting up a good front for many modern couples, pretending as if they are happy with their relationship. But really, they are miserable, because they don’t understand or master sexual polarity. So much suffering results from not handling the gradual neutralization of sexual polarity skillfully. When we have not trained ourselves to feel the dynamics of sexual energy – that is the Masculine and the Feminine – in the moment we are in, movement will happen, but in unfortunate directions, normally towards sexual neutralization.
There is a time for “Step aside, woman, this is a man’s job.” Not because you or I want to regress to old fashioned ways of relating. But because we really communicate “Step aside, woman, this is a man’s job. It’s a job for a strong and trustable man who sees you are tired, that you need some rest and the feeling of being taken care of. I’m that man and I will provide you with all of these and more, because I love you. Relax, my sweet. I’m here for you. Always.”
I have practiced relating through and growing the Masculine skillfully with her for a long time now, and as the stress of a Masculine-oriented work situation that often burdens her gradually fades away in the recovery of holiday, it becomes clear how much has been accomplished. We are in a good place her and I.
So love and passion is strong up here in the land of the midnight sun. We’re enjoying ourselves, and I hope you are too.
It’s been three weeks since the official launch of Masculinity Movies at Norsk Taiji Senter (Norwegian Taiji Center). Just prior to arriving at the center, which is tucked in nicely between the spectacular new Opera house and the Oslo stock exchange, I picked up Pelle Billing at the train station. Pelle came all the way from Malmö, Sweden to present his important work, for which I’m honored and grateful.
It was a beautiful day and around thirty people were present. We started a little late with Taiji master Pamela Hiley’s introduction. I then presented the background for the tagline and went into some detail about what I see as the primary differences between boys and men. I pulled on some brilliant observations by FIT (Focused Intensity Training) guru Shawn Phillips and some I had jotted down quickly the day before (which I have no illusions of living up to yet). I told those present a little bit about myself and my own personal journey, which always seems to create a nice connection.
Then we went quickly into the five step model of initiation used by Robert Bly, which looks like this:
Bonding with and separation from mother
Bonding with and separation from father
Apprenticeship to a mentor who reawakens and heals our essence
Apprenticeship to a hurricane energy (a wild man, warrior etc.)
Marriage to the Holy Woman/Queen
This model was a strong and powerful part of the message, as I knew it contained important information for many of those present, including myself. I will write more about this model elsewhere later on.
Staale Nataas gifted us with a funny and dramatic rap about being a man – a man overwhelmed by his woman no less, or was that the Feminine itself. I think many of us could recognize some of his poignant and hilarious images.
Then Pelle revved up his engine and told as about how feminism and masculinity are related.
In part two, we explored the movies Into the Wild, and the warriors of Patton and The Last Samurai. The latter two movies are part of a series where I’m exploring the Warrior archetype, which is an archetype inherent to the masculine psychoemotional makeup. I feel that we are in dire straits in the world today because mechanized warfare, postmodernism and feminism exorcized this vital archetype from men. An article on the subject will follow later.
Bjarte Hiley gave us a spectacular demonstration of the taiji sword form he was taught in China by a master from the Yang family. I’ve know Bjarte for many years now, and something has shifted in him after he got clear about passionately pursuing taiji, in the footsteps of his mother. He’s much younger than me, but it’s amazing to see how big shifts start happening in the life of a guy once he gets clear on where his life is headed.
Txai Fernando, who has worked with the indiginous people of the Amazon for many years, then gifted us with a powerful chant from the Amazon. Fernando told us that this was a chant that is traditionally reserved only for the men in the Amazon tribes from which it originates, because the women go a little crazy when they hear it. He assured us that this was no mere fantasy, yet considered it safe in the container of the launch. I’m glad he did, as I enjoyed this part a lot.
We continued with a tribal dance that was meant to harmonize the forces of the Masculine and Feminine, which was thoroughly enjoyable, and provoked many smiles and giggles.
Finally, I introduced shaman Tom Crockett as a contributor to the site, and I recommend you all go check out his movie review of the Ghost and the Darkness. I’m very proud to have Tom on board, and looking forward to learning more from him.
What stood out about the evening was that this wasn’t about my own personal journey, but about the efforts of a group of guys, working together for change. As I’ve mentioned earlier on in this blog, I’m really starting to tune in to the concept of brotherhood, and it felt like a strong example of just that (as you will see from the pictures). I was very proud to have these brilliant guys with me and felt significant blessing from being there with them. Many others present expressed similar sentiments, which was very humbling and source for great joy and inspiration.
Thanks to everyone who came, to Pelle, Staale, Bjarte and Fernando for standing with me, and to my good friend Pamela Hiley for suggesting that I put together such a launch in the first place, offering her magnificent center and infinite support in the process.
Also thanks to Kjell Tjensvoll for being the evening’s photographer.
It has been two exciting weeks since the launch on June 5. The site has received substantial exposure in this time. Thanks to Pelle Billing, it has been featured on the Stockholm Wilber group mailing list, as well as presented in Malmö’s integral salon.
Thanks also to Peter Kessels of Integral Europe, who graciously profiled Masculinity Movies as the top story in the June newsletter. That day saw almost one hundred visitors to Masculinity-Movies.com, a record so far.
I must admit a certain level of geekiness in these two weeks. I have a hidden nerd in me and find it oddly satisfying to check Google Analytics every morning to see how many of you have been visiting. It’s not very manly, I know (addictions are the realm of the boy as you should know by now), but there you have it. I own up to my flaws
Closer to home, the Norwegian Integral group based in Oslo has also taken an interest in the topic. I visited them for the first time around two weeks ago, and had an interesting evening discussing how integral thinking could influence Norwegian politics in the upcoming elections. I snuck in a little Masculinity Movies promotion at the end of the evening, and found a delightful interest in the topic.
I then proceeded to hang with these great people at an “integral party” the same weekend, and found myself with many people who were not only hungry for the subject, but who were also knowledgeable and experienced in applying it, in different ways.
It has been a rich time for me so far, and I look forward to seeing where things move from here. Odd Inge Forsberg of the Oslo-based Integral group invited me to lecture on the subject in the fall, which is an exciting opportunity that I look forward to.
It seems that the world is ready for this material. This is good news!
Okay guys, I finally got out the Michael Clayton review. I’m sorry it’s three hours past midnight of the day I promised it at the launch, but this day has been very challenging to me. Sometimes balancing my purpose and my relationship becomes more than I can skillfully handle. I sometimes forget that doing one of these writeups from start to finish take 8-10 hours (including watching and rewatching the movie), and now I’m totally beat.
Hope you enjoy the review guys. Write and tell me about it if you do.
I felt it was time to set one of these babies up so here we go. In here I can talk more about day to day stuff, what’s going on “backstage” with this project, bring forwards interesting feedback I receive, ramble a bit about my life etc. People are writing me with increased frequency now that the site has been officially launched, and a lot of interesting things are brought to my attention. I can’t just let all this good information bypass you all, forever lost deep in cyberspace. More importantly, I have a desire to connect with you all on a more personal level, as I believe it’s the only way we’re gonna get anything done in our society. The self-centered man belongs to yesterday.
I’m really taking to the idea of brotherhood. I have been fortunate to experienced it on occasion, and it’s a powerful, awesome and humbling feeling. Totally ballsy and strong, yet vulnerable and loving. Learning to love other men in a deep way without feeling homophobic, but strong and empowered, is something everyone needs to experience for himself. In this version of friendship, I got your back, you got mine. We go down or soar together. I think this is a powerful concept. We need to bring it back to life. I need to for myself anyway.
So how about it then, should we play a little with this idea of brotherhood? Really, we need to, because you know just as well as I that a website such as this – despite all its awesomeness – is just a tiny speck of a vast cultural process that must take place in the years ahead. You see, my vision for this project – reinventing modern man by resurrecting authentic masculinity – is way too big to pretend I can do it alone. So we got to connect you see!
So welcome to this blog. Here’s to many good conversations in the time to come!
Eivind wrote in Masculine trustability: I have edited this post slightly, because I have realized I’ve been doing some projection here, that the man I’m most annoyed with...
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Eivind wrote in The Porn epidemic: What you write parallels my experience exactly, Enric. Sex is about the body and the heart and porn takes you into the mind. It’s a state of...
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The main problem with porn is that I’ve found that it, for the most part, hurts my sex life. The problem is that it externalizes sex. It becomes this thing “out there”. An impersonal thing which you observe from a safe distance. There is no love there, no connection. There is just wham, bam, thank you m’am. And the goal is always ejaculation.
I’m currently on holiday in the North of Norway, staying in the childhood home of my girlfriend’s mother. We drove from the Norwegian capital Oslo up along the spine of Norway to the glorious Vesterålen, where I’m currently surrounded with nature’s splendour. Spending extended time with her like this, driving for days and now spending time here where the sun never sets, brings on a wide array of opportunities for feeling into and reflecting on the dynamics between man and woman, Masculine and Feminine.
