Ultimately there’s only one thing that defines a man’s trustability: the depth of his consciousness. This concept has become a lot clearer to me lately because of my challenge in dealing with men who are sleepwalking through life. I have no problem dealing with it when the man whose presence is fading is clearly working on improving his consciousness. That means he is open to being called on it. Even better (for me), he is capable of calling me on it when I’m the one fading out, which happens frequently.
But then there is the guy who is living unconsciously and who is showing no signs of wanting to do anything about it. He can even be conscious of his unconsciousness and base a lot of his identity on it, almost to the point of being a little proud of being a dumbass. This guy can really throw me off my center. He makes me tense up and get heady. Not so much in normal interaction, but when I have needs whose fulfillment require his consciousness.
This man seems to be the norm in today’s world. He runs countries, organizations, corporations. He is also a father of boys in need of initiation into manhood. It’s not that he is totally inept, it’s just that he is not in the driver’s seat of his own life. His every decision has elements of randomness, absent-mindedness and a longing for comfort and safety to it. And since he has not made a decision to do anything about it, he is by default feeding his superficiality. He does this through such things as negative self talk, self-trivialization, saying such things as “you know, I’m really not that smart, so don’t listen to me, but..”, and never doing anything to change the things that make him unhappy.
I’m very frustrated these days because I have no satisfying way to deal with this kind of man. I become inauthentic. What I really want to communicate to them (which is pretty close to “as long as you are committed to unconsciousness, I cannot trust any part of you”) feels way too much, like I don’t dare to say it. Instead I short circuit in my own inner confusion. I feel that I’m out of integrity with myself in the absence of good ways of maintaining my consciousness while talking with this man. I’m not conscious enough to go unaffected by his unconsciousness.
What I do know, however, is that in meeting men who are conscious – and working to become more so – something in me relaxes and a deeper part of myself becomes accessible. I feel like I am home. Such men are a huge gift in my life. I would be insiginificant without them. This is something I’m really present to lately, after having spent a weekend in Malmö with two guys – Pelle Billing and Peter Kessels – who are really in life to participate. What a gift masculine consciousness is to me is a man. What an inspiration! What a relief…
I remember hearing a clever man say once that you have to be the gatekeeper of your own masculine consciousness. Meaning if I’m somewhere that makes me more unconscious, then I must remove myself from that place. I’m not really living up to that advice yet – I cannot see how – but as I’m pushing ever closer to my edge, something seems to be happening.
Soon I hope I can deal with masculine unconsciousness without losing my own consciousness. That will be a milestone in my own development. It will open a whole range of new possibilites.
Does any of you have any reflections on how to deal with this issue?