I have just arrived home from a night out on town. It’s 04.15 which is pretty damn late by my standards.
I write this processing what is to me a personal victory. I went out on town ALONE tonight. You may sympathize with my feeling that going to a bar alone is a little scary so I gave myself a way out – if it went poorly, I only had to endure the misery for 90 minutes.
The odd thing is that I’m a pretty confident guy normally, but I’ve linked the night life with a lot of anxiety in my past. So this was an important night for me. As I’m now a single man, it’s vital that I confront these fears and put myself out there again. I was surprisingly calm as I went downtown, almost in a zenlike state of no-mind. And my heart was wide open. This surprised me, but I think it had to do with the fact that I set a very clear intention of serving everyone I met that night before I went out and to be authentic in all my interactions. And still, despite this inner calm, I felt an undercurrent of tension. I arrived at the bar and did not have a solid plan of action. Having been in a relationship so long, I’m a bit unused to being the single man out on town. I defaulted to heading for the bar, where a cute little lady sat next to me and looked a bit lonely and an instant later, we were engaging in conversation.
We spent four hours together. At the bar, our connection served as a sort of home base while I effortlessly connected with loads of other people around our area. I was having fun and was enjoying myself. At the other end of the bar, a big macho guy was standing all by himself drinking. He stayed there for the rest of the night, never to talk to any woman, looking lonely.
When the topic of what I work on came up, things got a little charged. Turned out she was a sociologist – and being a Norwegian sociologist is a big red flag in my book, mainly because they’re part of the politically correct academia which is causing so many problems in our society. She resisted my thoughts on men and masculinity, which didn’t really change the fact that she was quite charming. But I understood that this right here was a gamebreaker – that if I kept talking about my work, the conversation would end. And I didn’t really want that. I was pleased that I had the awareness to leave that hornet’s nest and start connecting on a deeper level. I felt that I was serving her well – that I was showing her a good time and that my presence provided a safe container. In short, I felt I was handling this first night out alone really well. And I felt heart connected to her and the people around me.
But then when the night started nearing its completion and I invited her to go somewhere to grab a bite to eat, I realized that my intention was unclear. I didn’t know what I wanted. Did I want to see her again? To enjoy a night of passion together? I wasn’t sure. And I certainly wasn’t acting at this point in a fashion that made the latter a likely prospect. All I knew is that she was a sweet girl and that I was enjoying her company. So as the inevitable end of the night approached its end, my consciousness took a nosedive. But I still had to confront the situation because there was some tension building around it, and I tried to stay as authentic as I could and said “I’m stuck in an unfamiliar situation with a nice girl and I don’t know what to do.” It was about as authentic as I could get at this point and it served its purpose. But we both knew it was over. My intention was unclear and she was subtly resisting me because of it, as she rightfully should. Why should she go to bed for a night with a guy if he didn’t even know if he wanted to? I was not at this point a trustable man. Our goodbye was of a somewhat mediocre quality.
Nevertheless, sitting here right now, I feel genuine appreciation for her. I felt her heart through her layers of resistance and she had a lot of beauty in there. Plus she really served me well by hanging out with me for four hours on a night that could potentially have been quite scary to me. The lessons with her will be integrated and next time will be easier.
Sitting here writing this, I’m present to the fact that even though the night overall was a victory for me, I feel a little sad that I lost my capacity to serve her towards the end of the night. I must spend some time reflecting on what I really want when I meet other women in the future.
So thank you little lady for our time together. There is a huge heart in you waiting to emerge in full bloom. May it happen soon.
And for me – another barrier bites the dust.